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29 June 2012 @ 11:30 am
make thee another self for love of me (6/6)  
Title: make the another self for love of me
Fandom/Pairing: Doctor Who, River/Doctor
Rating: M
Wordcount: 36,853
Warnings: human!AU
Summary: “I’m not getting any younger, am I? And I may never meet a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone raise children with, and even if I do, well it’ll be too late. I’ve always wanted children. And I thought, you know, why wait? I can do it on my own perfectly fine."



“I just don’t know. It doesn’t sing to me, what do you think River?” Amy twisted this way and that in front of a full length mirror and River rolled her eyes, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. Her back had been killing her all damn day and if she had to sit through one more dress option, she may bodily harm the saleslady or Amy herself.

“I think I’m the size of a small country and this is the twenty-eighth dress you’ve tried on Amy and for the love of god let me go have something to eat,” River whinged and Amy pouted at her, turning. “You look perfect in all of them. With your perfect tiny waist and long legs and thinness and oh god, I’m fat and I hate you.”

Amy laughed at that, moving over to kneel in front of where River sat, pressing her hands over her stomach and smiling. “You’re not fat, you’re having a baby.  And you look beautiful and I know, I’ve been torturing you today – but I want my dress picked so when we go pick yours out in a few weeks, I can know what we’re looking for and just sit and snuggle this little girl while I watch you be the one to try on all these things.” River felt a sudden clenching sensation and she gasped, her hands gripping the arms of her chair tightly as she held her breath. Suddenly the squeezing sensation stopped and River drew a great breath in as she looked at Amy in shock.

“I’m having a baby,” she repeated and Amy nodded, a bright smile.

“Yes, exactly – and you’re happy and in love and we all know it’ll be you and the Doctor doing this next so you’ll have your turn to torture me when-”

“No, Amy. I’m having a baby,” River stressed.

“What? Right now?”

“I think I just had a contraction. My back has hurt an awful lot today – oh god. Oh god. John’s not here, Oh god. Amy!” River panicked, breathing shallowly and Amy’s eyes widened as she abruptly stood and turned in a circle.

“Oh god, oh god – what do we do? I am not the calm one River, you are the calm one. The Doctor is the calm one. Shit – shit  - okay are you sure it’s contractions?” River stared up at her in disbelief. “Well I mean it was just one right – and you’ve been having all those false labour pains that the Doctor’s been freaking out over for the last month-”

“It did not feel like that. But you’re right. We should – we should calm down. We should wait and see if it’s contractions. You should get changed, just in case. We cannot call John until we know for sure – he will – oh god Amy, he will lose his mind.” River insisted and Amy laughed, nodding in agreement.

“Not that I’m much better, mind. Okay – I’m going to go take this off. You stay. Tell me if you get another one.” River nodded and Amy scurried behind the curtain, yelling for a saleslady to come help. River waited, breathing carefully as two more waves of intense constriction passed through her. It didn’t ... hurt exactly just yet – but it was intense and uncomfortable. “Okay, I’m here. How are you?”

“Two more. I think we need to call John – I’ve not been timing them though,” River gripped the chair tightly and Amy paled. She picked up her mobile and dialled quickly.

“Okay you need to get here right now,” she started without any greeting and River could hear John’s voice on the other end, laughing. “No, Doctor, as in right now. I think River is in labour.” Amy glared at the phone as John spoke and then she frowned. “We’re still at the bridal shop. Yes still,  shut up! Just get your skinny arse in your car and get the hell over here. I am not calling a cab and she’s – oh River – oh, oh, shit – are you okay?” River had taken Amy’s hand in hers, gripping it tightly as another wave passed over her, more intense this time, and slightly aching. “Just breathe! That’s what they say in films right? Breathe. Like panting, yeah?”

“Amy that’s for the actual labour, not this part,” River ground out.

“Stop yelling at me Doctor, screaming at me isn’t getting you here any faster. Oh god – you know what? Here.” Amy shoved the phone at River who took it with a deep breath.

“Hello, sweetie,” she smiled as she spoke in as calm a tone as she could manage.

“River?! Are you alright? How far apart are the contractions? Has your water broken?” John’s voice was frantic and she could hear the wind, loud in the receiver.

“Okay, I’m fine. They’re about seven or eight minutes apart and fairly mild. I think my back ache this morning was actually back labour-”

“I told you to stay home,” he broke in and she gritted her teeth.

Not the time for I told you so’s my love, here’s what you need to do. Give Rory our key-” John had sold his own flat a mere month after they’d confessed their feelings three months ago, and he’d been living with her ever since. It was going amazingly well, and River loved having him with her at all times. Well, he’d been there before but this time it was official. “-tell him to grab my bag and meet us at the hospital. You, hang up, so you don’t kill yourself trying to drive and talk to me, and come get Amy and I. Okay?”

“Okay – okay I can do that. Oh god, River – the baby is coming. I didn’t finish painting the nursery yet!” he exclaimed in a panicked tone and she could just picture him, turning circles on the spot, his keys clenched in one hand.

“Yes you did,” she pointed out softly.

“But that purple ended up being blue. So blue. And she-”

“Can have a blue room. It’s a beautiful blue, sweetie. Now please, stop worrying about the paint and get your attractive arse here, please, I need-” she broke off, squeezing Amy’s hand again as she fought back tears. It was so uncomfortable now, this sensation like her whole body was being constricted and then released, and it ached.  Amy took the phone, and River was vaguely aware of John’s panicked cries.

“Okay enough talk, drive, Doctor. And don’t kill yourself getting here, or I will kill you twice.” Amy disconnected the call as a saleslady hovered around them, anxiously. River concentrated on breathing, somewhat aware of Amy arguing with the lady as she gripped River’s hands. Whatever the woman had said, Amy’s response had sounded very Scottish and very pissed. River didn’t ask though, and she and Amy kept an intent eye on timing the contractions – an exercise that almost made everything hurt more because River was tensing in anticipation as they inched closer to the countdown.

After what felt like an eternity, John burst through the shop doors, looking panicked and tripping into a rack of veils as River watched, closing her eyes in mortification. “Oh god.”

“Let’s hope she takes after you in the grace department yeah?” Amy leaned in to whisper as he apologised profusely, pulling veils from his legs and handing them to the shop attendants. River teared up, feeling weepy – good lord she didn’t care if he tripped over everything in sight, she was just so happy to see him. She stood, moving over to him slowly and he looked up, his face concerned as he wrapped his arms around her.

“Oh god, River, are you okay? Shhh, dear, don’t cry – it’ll be okay.” He hugged her tightly, pressing kisses to her hair as she buried her face in his chest and burst into tears. “Oh god, River, it’s – we’ll get you to the hospital, and  it will be fine. Come on –we get to meet her today! How cool is that?” River simply cried harder in response as Amy wrapped a coat around her shoulders and John continued holding her.

“I’m not ready! I don’t know the first thing about babies, once she’s out here I have to take care of her and I’ve never done that before! What if I’m rubbish?” River couldn’t control the words spilling out of her mouth and John pulled back, shaking his head and looking down at her.

“Are you kidding me? You’re going to be the absolute best Mum I’ve ever seen, you love her so much already – look at you worrying. We’ll figure it out River, it will be okay. You just breathe, and don’t panic and remember that I love you, so much. You’re brilliant.” He pushed her hair back and kissed her gently as her tears calmed. River leaned into him, letting the kiss distract her from the building tension, until she gripped his arms tightly and tore her mouth away from his with a cry. Instead of panicking like she’d assumed, he moved behind her, one arm wrapped around her for her to cling to and the other rubbing firm circles in her lower back. The warm sensation fought against the pain and her body shook as he pressed kisses to her hair. “Okay?” he asked when her body relaxed and she nodded, sniffling.  “Okay, let’s get you to the damn hospital. Come along, Pond.”

And he was amazing.

He was amazing. He somehow managed to get them to the hospital and checked in, he never left her side for a moment – not during the examination. He helped her into the bath suggested by the nurse and rubbed her back and belly as she rose out contractions with gritted teeth and harsh breathing. Amy waited for Rory and they floated in and out – Amy had to leave often, citing that there was no way she’d ever do it if she watched all of that.  He held her hand and held her through the pain, all the time murmuring soothing words to her.

Almost four hours after she was checked in, her water broke, and it was a whole other experience then. “Oh god, no, John, make it stop,” she was clutching his arms and crying, and his jaw was set as he looked around, suddenly frantic.

“River, come on, come on – you can do this-”

“No, get me drugs right bloody now,” she ground out. When discussing birth options, she’d insisted on no drugs, and had told him no matter what to follow the plan. He swallowed hastily in the face of her pain and rang the nurse, frantic.

“She needs an epidural,” he insisted and River looked up at him with tears in her eyes as another wave of pain seized her, tension gripping her body as she cried out. “Right now!” The nurse responded and he kept rubbing her back as she rocked and trembled.

“I bloody love you so much, sweetie,” she sobbed the words out as he pressed kisses to her hair, holding her tightly.

“They’re calling the anesthesiologist right now, River, it will be fine okay? Just a little bit more. They have to check to be sure you’re ready for it first-”

“Oh god, I better be,” she sniffled into his shoulder and he held her tighter.

“It will be fine, okay? Just fine.” He whispered into her hair as he rubbed circles on her back. “I swear River.”

He held her like that for a while, weathering four more contractions with her before the anesthesiologist walked through the door. He was a short, squat, balding man in his sixties, but he looked like a god to River, and she said so, very emphatically. “Okay Miss Song, the nurses said you look far enough along – this may even help actually. All that nonsense about epidurals being bad – total rubbish.  They actually can speed things up and make it easier on baby, since your own body stops fighting the contractions. Now I’m gonna get you to sit on the edge of the bed okay?” River moved to the edge of the bed, and John stood in front of her, holding both of her hands in his.

“That’s – not going to hurt her is it?” his voice sounded faint and River paled, tensing where she sat as the anesthesiologist sighed in exasperation.

“I put the catheter in during a contraction so she doesn’t feel a thing. But she needs to be relaxed, so see if you can’t distract her during this next one, yeah?” River felt something cold on her back and she looked up at John with fearful eyes. He shook his head, looking down at her face.  River tensed as the pain gripped her, and he bent at the waist so he was staring right at her. “More relaxed than that Miss Song.”

“Hey – hey – I was going to save this for later, but – River look at me,” John insisted and she looked up at him, breathing through the pain. “I love you. Here River, take this.” He fumbled in his pocket and pressed something into her hand. She looked down, uncurling her hand to see a ring sitting in her palm. She gasped, looking back up at him in shock.

“Are you serious?”

“Not about a single damn thing but you and this little girl. What do you say? Want to be married, River?” he grinned and her eyes filled with tears as she nodded.

“Oh my god, what kind of absolutely rubbish way was that to ask? Here take this? You daft, idiotic, wonderful, amazing man.” She pulled him down,  kissing him fiercely as a shiver ran down her spine, spilling through her whole body. “Oh bloody hell that is amazing,” she murmured as she pulled back and John grinned smugly.

“Naw, she meant me that time, mate,” the anesthesiologist chortled, slapping John on the shoulder with a grin. “Congratulations though. Bit backwards, but eh – no one does it properly anymore, do they? Best of luck to you both,” he nodded cheerfully as the nurse stepped forward, to show them how to regulate the pump.

Once they were alone, John slipped the ring on her finger and she smiled brightly at him. “Promise me,” she kissed him again, pulling him up on to the bed beside her as he held her and marvelled at the waves of muscle contracting over her stomach as she sat, smiling at him. “Promise me – no big wedding. Just you and me, and Amy and Rory – her,” she cradled her stomach gently and he leaned over and kissed her there softly. “Somewhere quiet. Simple. Alright?”

“You don’t want all the trimmings? Because I have to point out – I don’t care if this is the drugs talking, I will hold you to it,” he laughed and she beamed, shaking her head.

“I’m sure. I just want to be married, to you, just us. Cement this little family, yeah?” He leaned down and kissed her softly.




 
 
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
betawhobetawho on June 29th, 2012 10:59 pm (UTC)
Awww! That was great! I loved the whole thing!
C is for cookiegidget_zb on July 2nd, 2012 08:28 pm (UTC)
Thanks honey :)
darling_ashesdarling_ashes on June 30th, 2012 09:04 pm (UTC)
GAHHH!!! That was so wonderful and flawless and happy! PERFECT! JUST PERFECT!!! PERFECT! My brain can't even compute any other word for it. I had to read it twice (once here and once on AO3) it was so good.

I don't cry at anything (like at all) but...there were eyes welling that weren't a result of allergies.
C is for cookiegidget_zb on July 2nd, 2012 08:29 pm (UTC)
Well it wasn't angsty so tears shouldn't happen! Thanks honey :)
jane_scarlettjane_scarlett on July 15th, 2012 05:48 am (UTC)
The blue nursery!!!

Loved loved loved this whole fic!
Katherine Joy Summers: Skystars_inthe_sky on August 11th, 2012 01:17 am (UTC)
Aww, so many warm fuzzies. I just loved that her weird pregnancy craving was fish fingers and custard...
tatea14 on October 7th, 2012 03:22 pm (UTC)
Okay. So, for the last, oh, six hours? Six and a half? I've basically been sitting in front of the computer (in a seriously uncomfortable chair), eating chocolate and re-reading all your fic. Also hugging myself, blushing (lots), trying not to cry, failing in trying not to cry, yelling at the computer, and laughing. Really, there was an outrageous amount of laughing involved. Oh, and also being judged by my brother as he sits next to me and plays Borderlands, 'cause he's lame like that. So thanks for that (pulls face). But honestly, really thanks, because you- yes, you over there, Charina- are an amazing writer. To be honest, if you were much better, I'd likely be comatose right now. Your stories are just- beautiful, and hilarious, and maddening, and heartbreaking, and sexy, and adorable, and tragic, and achingly sweet, and addictive, and always and completely perfect. Everything that River and Theta, together, are (Theta is the Doctor's real name. This is my head!canon and I'm sticking to it). I'm terrible about reviewing (this is probably the only one I'll write for you, sorry), but I love all your stories. Especially this one. It's amazing. I love human!AU fics. They can have a happy ending in a way that regular fics, and real canon, just can't. Especially baby!fics. I adore the Doctor around kids, and River would be the most amazing Mum. But they're just too timey-wimey to ever have a kid. It just wouldn't work. It would be bad enough being all back-to-front with your wife, but with your child? It would destroy you. But I absolutely loved them in this. I loved Rory's and Amy's bet about the baby's gender. I loved Amy and her incessant teasing, her Scottishness, and her shipping of John and River. I loved John and River. I loved the ending, which was just so cute and Doctor-y I nearly cried. I loved River being all hormonal (milk) and horny, and her pregnancy cravings (fish fingers and custard are delicious), and her talking to the baby. I loved that she didn't think she was good enough for John, because honestly, that's probably how she'd feel. I loved John's attentiveness, his awkwardness, his childishness. I loved (and was insanely frustrated by) River's wanting John's feelings toward her to change, but their not needing to, because he loved her already. I loved the shout-out to Martha, and the bit in her office:
“Are you bloody kidding me River? Look at her – she’s perfect. Oh god, she can have your hair and your eyes and your – well, let’s be frank, your everything, I’m a train wreck. She’s going to be so beautiful. Our little girl, River. God I really hope she has your hair.”
I loved when John recorded the baby's heartbeat, and River's reaction when he bought the doppler. I loved the way that everything, down to the smallest detail was just so amazingly right- everything anyone did or said was so perfectly in character, I could see them doing it, or hear them saying it. I watched this story in my mind. John and River kissing, Amy being cross and Scottish, even River's livingroom- I saw it all, in my head, like a movie. It was probably the most involving experience I've had while reading anything, and I just loved all of it, ever.
Speaking of amazingness and loving your stories, I read a story of yours, either on LJ or fanfiction.net, called (I think) "can ever dissever my soul from your soul", about human River the ghost, and human John (Doctor) and how they fell in love. It was my favourite of your stories, but I've been looking for it for weeks and I can't find it. Did you delete it? I want very badly to read it again.
You, amazing, wonderful person, must write more fic. It is my drug, and I need new fic. I'm suffering withdrawal. And honestly, after "The Angels Take Manhattan", which I'm in denial over, I'm just not sure how much more I can take.
Anyway. I'll stop wasting your time and end my ranting lovefest here. But I do love you very, very much, you magnificent drug dealer. I made you a cookie, but I eated it, so have infinite mental cyber cookies instead?

I'm sorry for eating your cookie. Please don't stop writing fic as revenge. It would be most cruel of you.

Edited at 2012-10-07 04:10 pm (UTC)
betawhobetawho on July 2nd, 2014 06:53 am (UTC)
I just wanted you to know, I just read it again, and it's still fantastic!

Sweet, loving, sexy, very in character. Amy's a hoot. River is wonderfully fleshed out (excuse the pun) and "John" is hilarious.

I hope you never take this story down, because I will be wanting to read it again in future. Is it up on AO3?
C is for cookiegidget_zb on July 2nd, 2014 12:55 pm (UTC)
It absolutely is up on my AO3 :) so glad you enjoyed!
or, remotely plausibleplausiblyremote on September 14th, 2014 06:51 pm (UTC)
I know I'm super late to the Dr Who party, but I've just watched the show, am in love with River Song, and have been pouring over all your River/11 fic. I knew your writing from BSG, so it has been such a thrill to find more great stuff on my new favorite character. Just wanted to let you know!
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )